We talk of the ‘runner’s high’ yet rarely of the ‘runner’s low’. For so many runners, the troughs seem deeper and wider than the peaks are high. We get ill or injured – so often when it matters most to us. But we keep going and rarely stop to think why. Do we believe that eventually we will reap what we have sown? From the regular 5.45am alarm calls, to coming back from a run so cold we can’t get the key in the lock. Saying no to that slice of cake, and our tears on the massage couch – we put our lives into sowing. The act of sowing takes over our lives, making us ruin relationships or put careers or thoughts of motherhood on hold until we are satisfied with our harvest.
We all have our own definition of what makes this harvest satisfactory. Mine is to run 800m in under two minutes and to pull a Great Britain vest over my head, so you could say I have shot for the stars. You could also say that running 2.01.16 and earning an England vest has landed me on the moon. The journey has left me with some unique and wonderful experiences and more importantly, some incredible friendships. Perhaps to your mind I have succeeded, but in my mind I have – so far – failed. Having invested everything I have, and so much time, love and belief that others have so generously given me into getting to the stars, somehow the moon just isn’t enough.
I know I need to get some perspective. I have let running round in circles take over my life. I sleep in an altitude tent and only ever argue with my husband about training. Back in August I decided that the UK Indoor Championships and European Trials this weekend could be my last race. I want to crawl off the track in Sheffield having given everything I have got, so if I still don’t make it to the stars, I will have been beaten by others more deserving of the limited space up there. I have kept going because I believe I can reap a bumper crop; because once you’ve got to the moon it really isn’t far to the stars.
I hope to meet you there.
Celia has represented England at both indoor and outdoor events. She combines her training with a full-time job as a lecturer in medical education at the University of Birmingham. See her athlete profile here.
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