I reached two adulting milestones recently: I passed my driving test and I completed a length in a swimming pool. These accomplishments were a vital lesson in expectation versus reality. I thought that once I had these basic skills life would be all spontaneous drives to Cornwall and snorkelling with the cast of Finding Nemo. My life is mainly getting cut up by 17-year-olds in the Sainsbury’s car park, and being too slow for the slow lane at the pool.
Mark my words, there will be an entire circle of hell dedicated to people who swim too fast in the slow lane. Don’t these people understand that “slow” is a relative term? If someone (ie me) slows the average speed of the lane, so be it. Either swim slower or move to a faster lane. People must learn to adapt. It’s like the ancient sage Heraclitus once said: no man can doggy paddle in the same lane twice.
I am baffled by how angry people can get about moving lanes – but I do have sympathy for the swimmers who move to a lane they can’t keep up with. I catch their desperate, goggled eyes when they pop up for air. “I know,” I mouth. Because I know how they will try to swim as fast as they can, huffing and puffing, kicking with all their might as human torpedoes splash past – big, distracting, passive-aggressive splashes. Worse still, others will swim close behind them before standing up suddenly with a deafening huff. They want you to know that you are so slow they can match your pace only by being stationary. And they want the whole pool to know this.
But their aquatic shaming won’t work on me. Oh no – I see through their pettiness and rise above it. “I forgive you!” I think, hanging on to the side, and catching my breath as they douse me in water from a tumble turn. After all, they are just doing what they need to do to survive – to get me out so that they can stay, rather than move over and face a faster lane. It’s the law of the jungle: kill or be killed; splash or be splashed.
In comparison, driving has been far less stressful. Yes, you are much more likely to die instantly, but at least you can overtake, do U-turns or pull over for a quick pasty. Now I just need to learn how to ride a bike. Once I reach this milestone, I will finally have unlocked all the route potential provided by Google Maps.
Source: Read Full Article