Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve. In this edition, a reader asks a question about experiencing a lack of sensitivity in her vagina during intercourse.
DEAR VANESSA:
Intercourse never feels all that good for me. I like the experience of being close to my partner, but from a purely physical perspective, it doesn’t feel great. Almost like I’m numb inside. It has always been this way for me, regardless of my partner, their size, their technique, etc. I enjoy other things (like oral sex and fingering), but I want to enjoy intercourse, too. Are there any techniques or products I can use to create more sensitivity in my vagina?
– Frustrated in the Sheets, 25
DEAR NV:
First, I want to make sure to differentiate between a lack of pleasure and an experience of pain. Does sex ever feel uncomfortable, irritating, or painful for you? We don’t talk about sexual pain often enough, but the reality is that a lot of women experience active discomfort or pain during sex. If that’s the case for you, I highly recommend speaking to your gynecologist and/or a sex therapist to make sure you don’t have a sexual pain condition or other medical condition that may be causing discomfort.
Feelings of numbness can also be the result of trauma. Have you ever had your sexual boundaries violated? Many of us downplay these types of experiences with comments like, “What happened to me wasn’t that bad,” or by saying things like, “Other women have had it worse,” but boundary-violating experiences are important to acknowledge. While it’s great to do so within yourself, it’s also helpful to do with the help of a psychotherapist or sex therapist if this has been your experience.
There is nothing wrong with you or your body, you just may require
different stimulation than you're used to.
Now that I’ve addressed those two important caveats, here’s another vital fact: Intercourse simply doesn’t feel great sometimes for people with vaginas. The most sensitive part of the vagina is the clitoris, and many intercourse positions don’t create great clitoral stimulation. We have this belief in our society that intercourse should feel amazing for people with vaginas because it usually does for people with penises, and that’s simply misinformed.
Additionally, most people with vaginas are socialized to believe that they’re supposed to orgasm from penetration alone. But the reality is that there just aren’t many nerve endings in the vagina itself. Different bodies need different types of stimulation, and that should be perfectly OK.
You can definitely explore creating a deeper connection to your vagina, but your frame of mind is important. It’s fun to explore your own body (and it’s something that everyone should do). But it should come from a place of genuine curiosity, not from a place of feeling like something is “wrong” with you. You should approach wanting to create more sensation in your vagina like you would approach wanting to create more sensitivity in your feet or in your back.
If you want to explore your vagina, I recommend getting started on your own first. It’s difficult to reach very far with your own fingers, so I recommend using a toy. My favorite internal toy is the Rose Wand from Chakrub. It’s a gorgeous toy that makes exploring your vaginal sensitivity feel like the special, luxurious experience that it should be. I also like the Pure Wand from Njoy. Both toys have a larger ball on one end to help you explore internal sensitivity. Try inserting the toy and slowly moving it around to different places inside of your vagina to see where you feel more sensitivity. You can also try holding it in place, and squeezing your vaginal muscles around it.
When you use either toy, I recommend using lube. This will help the toy slide around easier and create more stimulation. My favorite lube is Pjur Original. Lube is also a great way to make intercourse feel more pleasurable. Put lube at the entrance of your vagina, on your partner’s penis or a dildo, and on your clitoris.
When you want to explore more with your partner, try being in charge during intercourse. Cowgirl is a great position for this. During cowgirl, you’re in control of all of the movement, so you can work to find what feels best for you.
When you’re in control, as well as when your partner is in control, you can also make intercourse feel more pleasurable by trying to create different types of stimulation. Try changing up the speed, for instance. You might feel more sensation with fast thrusts, or you may like it when your partner goes really slow. You can also experiment with depth. You may like when your partner pays extra attention to the opening of your vagina, or you may like when they push all the way in.
Above all, remember — there is nothing wrong with you or your body, you just may require different stimulation than what you’ve been trying so far.
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