Psychologist: Passionate love is not for eternity – and that is a good thing Long-standing few relationships end sometimes, seemingly for no reason. "We have more geliebt", it is, then. Can and out of love actually happen just like that – how to fall in love?

Prof Lars Penke: You have two aspects of love: The falling in love, even passionate love, and companionable love, the only through a deeper intimacy, as the Partner adjusts. Infatuation lives of uncertainty: One is not aware of the interest and the Affection of the other, yet, you still have to advertise it. This condition – you could describe him as a kind of addiction-like Fixation – is not designed to last forever. The better you know the other and the better you feel, the more the infatuation, the comradely bond gives way.

The infatuation wears off in the course of a relationship, is inevitable?

Penke: There are also couples where this condition no longer holds, because you rarely see, or create, a part of the initial uncertainty and tension to maintain. But in General, the infatuation is already within the first relationship of the year. This is not to say, however, that one falls out of love. In the ideal case, the passionate love in a deeper bond. The Partner is reliable, predictable, a safe haven.

That doesn’t sound particularly romantic.

Penke: Perhaps not romantic in the exciting sense, but familiar and safe. In fact, the comradely love has a lot of Similarity with the parent-child relationship. Especially the bond between mother and child has appeared in the course of Evolution as stable and secure.

There is some evidence to suggest that the evolutionarily much younger based couple relationship on the foundations that have emerged in the Evolution of the parent-child bond. The physiological and emotional processes that give a partnership bond of stability, seem to those between mother and child is very similar.

Nevertheless, it often happens that even stable partnerships go in the breaks. How can you explain that?

Penke: The binding is weaker when trust is lost. There can be a variety of reasons – concealment, lies, infidelity, the neglect. If you have the feeling that the Partner will not leave, you have the Benefit of the relationship, nothing more, the cost is negative.

Not everyone disconnects then. Emotionally unstable people it is often harder to get out of a relationship. You not out of love, but the love turns into an anxious-ambivalent Form of binding: you don’t trust the other really, but stick to the relationship because they are afraid of being alone.

Sometimes only one of the two, and the left falls out of love wishes then he could solve. On the Internet you will find correct instructions: You should distract burn memorabilia, on the negative side of the Ex-partner or the relationship focus, with the other flirting, with. What do you think of such advice? Can you and out of love active?

Penke: If one of the partners after separation, still loves, it is usually because the familiarity is still there. It is believed to be able to leave him. To and out of love to yourself, you have to detach from this trust. Memorabilia are a nuisance, because they leave a situation thinking, in which the relationship was reliable and stable. To think more about the negative sides of the relationship, in this Situation is meaningful because it reinforces their own doubts about the relationship and helps to solve them.

If you can not solve a good from the Ex-Partner didn’t do it but often only something with the strength of their own love, but also so that you can see no Alternative for themselves: It is believed to have no Chance on a new Partner. Flirting may help in this case, really.

How is it with the Lovers, whose love is not reciprocated: you Can do something, and out of love in order to active?

Penke: If you realize that the effort is futile, are, the infatuation usually sometime after. Infatuation is a Flow experience comparable to that of the know some of to play from the computer. The appeal is that the requirement level is perfect: You must make an effort, but has experiences of success, because one receives encouraging signals. For example, a Smile, a kind word, or a casual contact. If the other shows but completely disinterested, the experience of success and the game is hopeless and loses its appeal.

Why is it ‘unlucky in Love’ then usually so hard to out of love?

Penke: Possibly because you are still encouraging signs that get your hope to maintain. Or because they interpret kindness as interest in miss. Also doesn’t help Flirting: Who has enough Alternative, runs the risk of not to fixate too much on a Person.

Professor Penke, we would like to thank you for this interview.

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